A pivotal moment in my life was when someone called me a control-freak. This was painful and I felt very hurt. It was not the way I saw myself. I was evaluating my behavior according to my intentions and not my actions.
The truth of the matter was that I felt safe when I could be in control and therefore, I have developed understanding and compassion for myself and the unhelpful strategies I used.
My controlling behaviors in relationships arose as an attempt to meet my needs for security, certainly, reassurance and to be heard or understood. In the process, I sometimes used strategies that did not respect the needs and autonomy of others. My inclination to control arose from feelings such as anxiety, fear, or frustration. I often made judgements and assumptions about other people’s actions. These judgements included thoughts about how others did not have their ducks in a row, even thoughts about others being disorganized.
My control strategies (taking control of projects or life situations) sometimes led to resistance and resentment, and I could not understand it, because from my perspective I was just trying to keep everyone safe and get things to run smoothly and efficiently. My unmet needs for certainty, security and efficiency and an inability to figure out ways to meet those needs for myself without using control strategies were some of the factors that led to divorce after 23 years of marriage.
I had to start over…I wanted mutually satisfying connected relationships and Non-violent (compassionate) communication was one of the tools I discovered. As I learnt the skills to identify and express my needs and limit the impulse to resort to controlling behaviors, my relationships improved significantly.
If you can relate to my story, I want to invite you to a life-giving alternative to control -CONNECTION.
NVC is not only a communication strategy, but a relationship development tool. It will help you to choose collaboration and connection over control.
When you work with me, I will guide and teach you how to reflect on your feelings and discover the underlying needs that create these feelings. You will get to understand how your needs guide your actions and the way you communicate with significant people in your world. When judgement and blame show up, I will provide a safe space for you to dig deeper and get to the bottom of the situation. I will help you to explore strategies for connection in a way that shows compassion for yourself and others.
Join me for a 30-minute free exploration call if you are yearning for connected relationships where conflicts can be resolved in a win-win way.
