A Guide for Fathers Using Non-violent Communication
The scenario
A father spent a lot of time and energy to upgrade the kitchen. He installed new cabinets and countertops. The kitchen upgrade symbolizes more than new cabinets and countertops. For him it’s a heartfelt effort to create a better space for the family to share meals, bond, and thrive.
His teenage son leaves a mess in this newly improved kitchen, and the frustration feels particularly sharp. But, because he values connection over control, he uses Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to share his concerns constructively, ensuring his words resonate with respect, empathy, and clarity. He wants to express himself without starting an argument.
Step 1: Observation Without Judgment
He begins by stating what he observed, focusing solely on the facts, without any assumptions or blame.
Instead of saying: “You don’t appreciate how much work I put into upgrading this kitchen—you never clean up after yourself!”
He says: “I noticed that after you made a snack yesterday, crumbs were left on the counter and the sink was full of dirty dishes.”
This factual approach avoids emotional triggers and sets the tone for an open conversation.
Step 2: Expressing His Feelings
He shares his emotions in a way that helps his son understand the impact of his actions using “I” statements without attributing blame.
He could say: “When I see the kitchen left messy after I worked hard to upgrade it, I feel disappointed and disheartened. It’s important to me that we keep the space clean and orderly.”
By sharing his feelings openly and honestly, he creates an opportunity for his son to empathize with his perspective.
Step 3: Identifying His Needs
He explains the deeper need (values) driving his feelings. This helps his son to understand that his frustration isn’t about control—it’s about valuing the family space and his efforts.
He might say: “I put a lot of effort into making it a space we can all enjoy. Seeing it clean helps me feel proud and pleased for the work I’ve done.”
When his son sees the connection between his needs and feelings, he’ll might be more inclined to engage thoughtfully.
Step 4: Making a Request
He closes the conversation with a clear, actionable request that addresses his need. Requests in NVC are collaborative and respectful, allowing his son to take ownership of the solution.
For example: “Would you be willing to clean up after you use the kitchen, so it stays looking great for everyone, or let me know if you need help figuring out a plan to keep it tidy?”
This phrasing invites your son into a partnership rather than demanding compliance. It shows that you’re open to working together toward a solution. NVC transforms what could be a heated exchange into an opportunity for connection and understanding. By acknowledging his son’s autonomy while clearly expressing his feelings and needs it creates a safe space for dialogue, where he’s more likely to respond positively.
Conclusion
It is a delicate task for the father to share his frustration about a messy kitchen, especially after putting effort into upgrading it. By using Nonviolent Communication, he can express his concerns in a way that strengthens the bond with his son and fosters mutual respect. With empathy and collaboration, this conversation can lead to a cleaner kitchen and a deeper appreciation of the space you’ve worked hard to create.
